I think that the fear of public humiliation, rejection and social ridicule is greater in most people than the fear of death. God made us to be social creatures; he created us to need one another. There is nothing wrong with needing the acceptance of others, but we somehow got lost along the way through organized religion, the institute of education, economics and demographics.
Today, I truly want to be the person that accepts and is genuinely kind towards all humans. Despite having lifelong friends that I have always been completely accepting of me, I myself, took a very long time to become truly accepting of others. To this day, I am not always the kind accepting person that I want to be, but these days I am getting it right much more often than I am getting it wrong.
The first thing that I had to learn is that accepting others begins with accepting myself and simply being myself. Why is that so hard? I am not sure. I could be lame and blame my upbringing. The classic upbringing where one is reminded every day that one is not good enough and that another child in the community is better. My mother’s crying words, “How could you do this? What will people think?” still swim in my head at times.
My upbringing did not help, but the reality is that I was incredibly shy and socially awkward as a child and well into my 30’s. I drove myself crazy trying to tell people what they wanted to hear, rather telling them the truth as a saw it. It is my goal in life to never again tell a lie. The transparency and the truth set a person’s heart free, and I sleep like a baby at night.
I am still a social disaster at times. It has been a minute since I was on a date and spilled something all over the guy, but it is only a matter of time before it happens again.
So, what changed? What made me learn to accept me, so that I could learn to accept others? I think that this a journey for everyone in life. The key for me was to stop hiding the truth out of fear of what others thought, and to learn to talk about things, the things that I was taught as a child to never talk about.
That then introduces the question – what is defined as being open and honest verses too much information (TMI)?
Maybe if there was no such thing as TMI we would not have a mental health crisis in the United States, maybe children would be better protected from sexual predators, maybe women would not stay in abusive relationships, maybe men would not stay in abusive relationships. Did you know that men enduring physical abuse in relationships is as common as it is for women? Men being physically abused is still a taboo topic in our society.
But, then if there was no such thing as TMI, would we have to hear about everyone’s bowel movements and masturbation schedules? Yikes! I can see the pendulum shifting the other direction as well.
I think there is a balance, but that balance is not always obvious, and we all interpret what is appropriate and what is not in different ways. This is calls for give and take, and open mindedness.
I pretty much never want to hear about what a loser someone’s ex is. They are ex’s for a reason, can’t we just leave it at that? This holds true for gal pals, male friends and potential love interests. But, I hope to God that if someone I know is in an abusive situation that they would know they could talk to me. I think that when people share constructively that their relationships are not always perfect that these conversations can help us all have healthier relationships. And, if I am dating someone understanding what went wrong in his past relationships can help us to have a better relationship. There are things in my past relationships that I need to share when in a relationship. Failure to do this as definitely sabotaged more than one relationship over the years.
I also hope that if someone is feeling depressed or anxious that they know they can talk to me about it. I shared with a friend that I feel sad during the holidays. I miss my parents so much, no matter how great everything is, I feel sad. I wish I would have realized that last Christmas together was our last. I would have stopped to take it all in. I would have hugged Dad a little tighter. Instead, I was very pregnant and very tired. I said little to anyone that day. My friend was shocked to know I felt sad at times. My life is pretty amazing. How is this possible? But, we talked about it, and he shared with me that he has a similar struggle and that he in turns feels guilty about it because he knows that he should be nothing but grateful for all that he has in his life. It felt good for us both to have this new insight into one another.
When we put on a happy face and make believe that everything is okay, we create metaphoric cages for ourselves, and unknowingly for those around us. When we share our pain and life struggles, we break out of these cages. I believe that this not only eases our pain, but it also increases our joy at times of celebration whether it be our own celebration or someone else’s.
An example of this, my friend Laura is having a baby. I was pretty excited for her when she shared her news. Sometime after her pregnancy announcement, she shared publicly that her and her husband have been through a difficult journey to have a baby. This journey included a painful miscarriage. I cried for her, and folks reached out to her. And now, my heart bursts with happiness for her. She posted her pregnancy pictures yesterday, and they made my day.
Of all the changes that I have made in my life to find a peace and happiness, becoming an open, honest person even in the most difficult of situations is the most important change. I have no idea why Sunshine (Lyn), Banana (Hannah), Kelly, Emily (Em) and Kelli (K) hung with me through my childhood and divorce era, but I am beyond grateful that they did. They accepted me when I could not accept myself. I hope that I am doing a good job of paying forward now.
If your reading this, and you have something you need to talk about me. Drop me a comment, and I will reach out to you. The comments on the blog do not post publicly.
Thank you for dropping by to read my thoughts.