I often reflect on my parenting in contrast to how I was raised. Honestly, I think I have done a better job on most fronts, but then I could argue that is because of the job that my parents did, right? I am not sure. Sometimes, what we get wrong as parents guarantees that our children will get it right in their own lives. I think that this is why they say, “it skips a generation.”
Overall, I definitely think that I raise my kids as my own generation was raised before the era of helicopter parenting and “everyone gets a trophy”. I am the parent that cheated at Cooties to beat Brainy Bird when he was 3. I cannot remember the last time that I beat the Birds at a strategy game without fudging the rules. That is my dad in me.
My key differentiator from how my parents raised me to how I raise my kids is communication. In my generation, we did not talk about things. We did not talk about drugs, homosexuality, sex, feelings, politics, religion or anything else that may a sensitive subject. Moreover, communication was downward. My parents disciplined me and told me how things should be. There was never a channel of communication upwards to express how I may feel about their actions. My parents were amazing, I am not saying otherwise. My parents would sacrifice anything for their children; they were beyond unselfish. I feel that the lack of communication was a sign of the times.
There are times when Little Chirp is “providing feedback” to me as a parent, that I wonder to myself, “Who taught this kid to speak up?” I am mostly kidding, and that is the subject of a whole other blog post.
I am five paragraphs in, and I have yet to say anything relevant to the title of this blog. Hang with me, I am framing the story. There is something that my parents got right even before they had children that I initially failed epically at as a parent. My parents grew up in the same town that they raised us, and they had amazing friendships in high school that lasted their entire lives.
I love my parent’s friend, and they all had great kids. It would be natural for my parents to want us to be best friends with the children of their friends. That was not the case. Instead, my parents wanted us to form our own social circles. They intentionally lived far enough outside of town that we would go to a different high school than they did, and we would meet people on our own. In short, they wanted us to make our own friends; instead of them making friends for us.
As a parent, I initially had the opposite approach to parenting. I really tried to make friends for Brainy Bird. I really wanted Brainy Bird to be popular because trying to be popular in high school was important to me. That seems completely and utterly ridiculous now. Brainy Bird never had any interest in popularity. Instead, he sought out an accepting group of kids. It is as if their mantra is embracing their rejection from the cool kids crowd and being accepting and kind to all.
I had the pleasure of meeting the friends that Brainy Bird found entirely on his own at homecoming his freshman year. We hosted a group. My only rules were:
- Absolutely no drugs or alcohol
- Everyone that wants to join the group would be included and made to feel welcome
I met the most incredible bunch of kids that day. They are an incredibly diverse group, loyal and kind to one another. Brainy Bird’s freshman homecoming picture is a picture of future CEO’s, entrepreneurs, scholars and amazing parents. I could not be prouder of the choices that he has made in friends. I am glad he never fell into the social circles that I tried so hard to make him a part of.
Recently, Brainy Bird has forged a new close friendship with a kid that I can’t help but give a blog nickname of Carrot to. Carrot is a polite young man, who is not one of the super intellectuals of Tomball Memorial High. Instead, he is a creative child. Brainy Bird and Carrot have been working on starting a band together. One would think that this would make me nervous. Completely to the contrary, I think this child is an incredibly positive influence on Brainy Bird. I love seeing Brainy Bird explore the creative side of his mind through playing the guitar and writing music. They are hoping to perform as a band in the school’s talent show this year. That would be amazing.
I am also reassured as a parent that he will go away to college and that he will again make the right choices in friends. He knows a good human when he sees one. Interestingly, he passed the trait of finding the right friends on to his brother.
Little Chirp’s best friend on planet Earth is Brainy Bird. Brainy Bird is quite possibly the best big brother on planet Earth. By the time Little Chirp was at school trying to make new friends, I had learned my lesson of not trying to make friends for him. Little Chirp seems to have sought friendships that remind him of his brother. Little Chirp is not one of those crazy intelligent kids; he is more of a creative thinker. Little Chirp’s besties are like Brainy Bird, EXTREMELY intelligent and well-behaved kids. Not so coincidentally, one Little Chirp’s besties is brother’s with a kid that runs in Brainy Bird’s crew.
I am extremely blessed in my own life with amazing friends, and I my heart bursts with happiness knowing that Brainy Bird and Little Chirp have the same life blessing.