Everything imaginable has been going wrong lately. My most recent tests have confirmed pre-cancerous cells, and unless I want to risk my life, I have to have surgery. At my age that seems insane. The idea of not being able to meet someone and have a child together made me really sad…initially. I am in quite a bit of pain from whatever is wrong. I have symptoms similar to what I had when I was pregnant, except I am definitely not pregnant. I am extremely tired, and I feel queasy all the time.
Work is extremely stressful. The pressure to get things done in very little time is intense. I actually like my highly demanding work environment, but I am worried that I am not going to be able to keep while I am dealing with my health problems. I am going to be out for two weeks for the surgery alone. What comes after that is unknown at this point. I love my job, and I do not want to lose it.
I am continuing to gain weight because I am coping with all of the stress and anxiety by eating. Why diet if I am going to just get sick and die?
With everything going wrong, I suddenly realize how incredibly happy and content I am with my life. For a long time, I have felt incomplete. I have thought that I needed someone in my life to make me whole. This past month has given me a much clearer perspective on my life. I am in fact single, but I am not incomplete. I will continue to date as long as I am dating people that are worth getting to know, and I am still open to the idea of having a relationship with someone, but I will never again feel sad or think that there is something wrong with me because I am single.
Ironically, one of my biggest fears in life is that I will get sick and no one will care or help me. Of all the hurtful things that my ex-husband said and did over the years the worst was the day that he told me that he hates me that I am dead to him, and that he would not take our children to my funeral if I died. I often think about that conversation, and I am filled with deep regret that I chose to marry him and have his children. I always dreamed of a traditional life, married with children for an eternity.
Recent events (namely this whole cancer ordeal) have made me realize that I have a brother and sister and true friends that will be there for me. These are people that will be there to care for me not because we have a legal binding agreement known as marriage, but because they truly love me. Mommy Bear spent an afternoon researching facts on the internet regarding my situation. Sunshine is lining help up for me to fill any gaps when she isn’t available. My sister answers every time I ring. My brother is calling upon his own doctor friends to review my case and ensure that I am getting the best possible treatment.
This all brings me to where I am now.
At the start of this blog, I was on a quest to find someone to share my life with. I feel like that chapter is coming to an end already, and that a new chapter is beginning. I thought that the next chapter of my life was going to be getting married to Mr. Right and having a baby. I was wrong, and I am okay with finding this out. This next chapter is going to be about enjoying my life each and everyday, focusing my energy on being a super mom, getting healthy and being a good friend to all of the amazing friends that I am blessed with.
I am hoping and praying that I get a chance to live this way for a very long time. I am very anxious to be on the other side of my surgery and on to the healing process…on to the next chapter of my life.