It is just after 5 AM. Yesterday, we recorded record highs for New Year’s Day; moreover, it was a record high for any given day in January. Today, we welcome winter weather. I am reclining on my couch covered in a fleece throw with Potatoe snuggled up next to me. Chewy is asleep above me on the back of the couch. Winter is sitting on the arm of the recliner to the left of me. She seems to be struggling with a desire to look on at what I am doing and the desire to go back to sleep.
I too am still deciding if I am awake for the day, or if I plan to go back to sleep for a bit. I did not start my coffee yet in case my desire for sleep wins. I slept fewer than four hours last night, but I woke up, unable to go back to sleep. I decided on a warm shower followed by my favorite PJ’s.
I feel writer’s block seeping in, and I am realizing that the inability to write is not an absence of something to write about. Rather it is that I cannot write what I am really thinking, so my thoughts swim around my mind in a state of disorganization and chaos. I feel deeply disappointed on a number of fronts. My source of disappointment says the underlying problem is the fact that I do not like her, and I do not trust her. With this statement, she almost has me blaming myself, almost. Impressive, but she did learn the art of “turning shit around” from the master.
The truth is she is ridiculous. A selfish, ridiculous person. Everything is everyone else’s fault, and she is the victim. In her head, she leads this tragic life. In reality, yes there has been tragedy, but it pales in comparison to what others have overcome.
She judges her mother, and she judges me. Apparently, the two of us are really bad mothers. Maybe she is right. Maybe her mother was terrible. How would I know? This is where I cannot say what I am really thinking. One thing that I will say, there are things that you can never take back. Some words stay in one’s mind forever. Her words to me after she said horrific things about me in front of my young children:
“You have kids?!?!? When did that happen? Oh yeah I vaguely remember you being a mom but never in my presence. Pretty much all the shit you used to make Brian do now falls on me or Chance and BTW… It IS NOT HIS JOB TO TAKE THE SECOND KID YOU CHOSE TO HAVE TO THE BATHROOM WHILE YOU SIT ON YOUR ASS AND GET DRUNK. And don’t worry about me calling you a bitch in front of them…. They are thinking it. You are awful to them and it breaks my heart. Good Luck. You need it. I have never known someone so selfish and focused on themselves in my life. You can’t find a guy????????? That’s your big worry?????????? You have two kids, they should be your unconditional love, but can’t blame them if they aren’t. You are emotionally gone and refuse help. I’m off this roller coaster, best wishes.“
The question really is, how did I ever let this person back into my life? Something that I did not know then that I understand now is that we can forgive someone, but that does not necessarily mean that they remain a part of our lives. Forgiving means that we let go; we do not wish them any ill-will. We wish them well on their journey in life. I forgive; I truly forgive, and I wish her a happy life. I will never forget, and I will never again let this cancer back into my life.
Writer’s block gone.