I did not sleep much last night. I am surprised that I feel as awake as I do right now. I still feeling a sort of disappointment and angst over my meeting that did not go well on Tuesday. Part of me is mad at myself. Wednesday compounded Tuesday’s stress on different fronts. When I analyze Tuesday, my one regret is not speaking up when I felt strongly about who to take to the meeting. Embracing this mistake and learning from it, I spoke up about another matter that I felt strongly about on Wednesday. I was surprised when I was told I was wrong, especially when I feel that it is my decision to make. Both situations involve the same, highly capable person.
It is not uncommon for talented people to be dismissive of the work and ideas of others. Actually, it makes sense for highly talented people to love their own work and ideas as they are most often good ideas. The challenge with these two facts is that it creates an environment where people do not feel that they can speak up. I feel like a caged bird.
I am not sure if irony is the right word to describe finding a meeting invite from the highly capable person to follow up on our discussion. Without question his objective for the meeting is to be constructive and to find a way to effectively work together. Without question this person operates with the highest of integrity. He wants me to share my perspective about Wednesday’s conversation, and he wants to hear my perspective. Okay.
The last item on the item agenda, under “if time permits“, is “Why didn’t you say anything…?” If time permits, we will talk about the actual problem? This is the whole underlying issue. I stopped speaking up some time ago because I am not being heard, and continually being dismissed creates intense frustration for me, and honestly it makes me doubt myself, so I keep quiet to avoid the frustration and self-doubt.
I then begin to wonder, if it is my own lack of capabilities, and I feel a need to recap for him everything I have done and the value that I add. I have some huge wins and there is more to come. If I go to the meeting and talk about myself, we will miss the mark.
Sigh, I rarely stress about work, which is great, up until I do stress about work.
I have more than twenty-four hours to think about this follow up meeting. I feel a weird irony in that between now and then, I need to decide whether or not to speak up about being able to speak up. At this point, I do not intend to speak up. I don’t believe that I will be heard or understood, and that would be devastating. I think the best possible outcome is an impasse.
The key takeaway is that most people do not speak up in the workplace, unless they believe that doing will make a positive change. Even the most capable individuals of the highest integrity can inadvertently create a culture where people keep their heads down.
So, I wake up to this work stress, and the news that Russia invaded Ukraine. I was completely out of the stock market coming into this year, and then I bought back in. I regret not trusting my analysis. My retirement timeline is literally changing with the poor market performance right now. The upside is that I still have a 50% cash position, so I can “buy the dip”, but I do not think the dip will be to the bottom until after the November elections. This means I need to exercise patience. Patience is perhaps my weakest of all attributes. I could be a complete idiot and sell off all of my positions today, but I know better than that. Traders love to say that you do not lose money until you sell the losing stock.
I normally comfort myself when I lose large sums of money in the stock market with the fact that I love my job. That is not bringing me as much comfort as it normally does. Sad that my long run of really good days came to an end the week of my birthday. This too shall pass.