12.9 Years

On June 7th, I had surgery to remove a tumor from the side of my left breast. I never take time to write any more. If I had, in the days leading up to the surgery, I would have written about how worried I was. I would have written about how painful the tumor felt, and the insomnia that the whole ordeal brought to me. Instead of writing, I kept busy with my life, the life that I am incredibly grateful for.

Aside from a really bad morning the day after surgery, I made a quick recovery. I was not supposed to return to work until June 19th. I was able to work from home the morning of June 9th, and I was back at work full time on the 12th. I celebrated the successful surgery and rare Friday afternoon off with the boys and Sara. We fine dined at Perry’s. We celebrated our time together, our health, and Brainy Bird and Sara’s internships.

At some point, the conversation drifted to the house and what a unique property it is. I asked, “In 30 or so years, when I die and you guys inherit it, are you going to keep it or sell it?”

An immediate look of concern flashed into Little Chirp’s eyes. I honestly thought that 30 years seemed like a long time to wait for his inheritance. The table fell silent. Little Chirp shifted in his chair; he thought about his words. He did the eyes down, then direct eye contact thing that he does when he is about to say something serious (or something one does not want to hear, but should probably hear). The silence continued.

Little Chirp finally broke the silence, “Only 30 years? That is not much time.” The concern in his words and his face were genuine.

I will be 76 years old in 30 years. Honestly, the probability of me living that long is low. Cancer is going to catch up with me eventually. I am so grateful for the almost half century that I have lived. I told Little Chirp that I would honestly be extremely fortunate to be alive another three decades, and then I not so casually, change the subject, and then faded out of the conversation.

The boys and Sara proceeded to talk about Little Chirp’s class ranking, and they talked about Sara’s sisters and how excited she is for her sisters’ future, Brainy Bird and Sara talked about their internships and let Little Chirp ask questions.

My heart enjoyed the conversation, but my brain did not engage in it. Instead, my brain did the math without me.

If it had been my mother sitting at that table at age 46, she did not have the 30 years that Little Chirp felt was way too short. She had just 12.9 years from the minute I post this blog to the end of her time with her children. And, that 12.9 years was way longer than so many others have had.

She did not get to meet three of her five grandchildren. She did not get to see all that Brainy Bird and Little Chirp have become.

Fast forward a couple of weeks and the test results from the the tumor are benign. Another reason to be incredibly grateful. The more my boys grow into the incredible young men they are becoming, the more they go out and explore the world and come home to tell me all about it, the more I miss Mom and Dad. They missed what is for me, the best chapters of life so far with the boys.

I hope Mom and Dad are looking down from Heaven, seeing all that Brainy Bird and Little Chirp are becoming. There is no doubt that Brainy Bird’s grandfather lives on in him. There are moments when I feel as if Dad is right there with me when Brainy Bird talks. Little Chirp and Mom would have had such a time together. He would cook for her, spoil her, and despite his objections, he would love her doting him him. He loves to volunteer at the VFW when they serve dinner to the vets because he loves to hear all of their stories. He would listen to her stories, and she would let him ask endless questions. He would also challenge the accuracy of everything she said, because that is Little Chirp. I think Little Chirp would have driven his grandfather crazy and prideful all at the same time. Little Chirp would for sure love to hear about what life was like when his grandparents were young. I can easily imagine Brainy Bird and his Oma sipping coffee together on my back porch.

I want another 30 years on this Earth to see all that my boys will become. Yet, none of us know how much time we have left. I will cherish everyday that I am here getting to watch my children grow. I am thankful for my Lord and Savor, and all that I am blessed with.

Life is short, seize the day.