Yale Guy and I hung out and drank a couple of club sodas on Sunday evening while he cooked his meals for the week. I had spent the previous day preparing for my intense week ahead, and now I was watching him prepare for his own intense week, except on a completely different level. Yale Guy is currently weathering a storm with his health. The situation has changed the dynamics of our friendship. We have been friends for a long time, but there has always been a wall of sorts between us. Now, we talk openly about everything under the sun, including opportunities for us to improve as individuals. He is one of the most intelligent people I know, and I wish I had his insight in life sooner.
We talked about Jac and whether I should pursue the matter. I am not sure what the hell I am doing, and I am not sure I should be. I am worried that I bothering Jac, and Yale Guy says not to worry at all. I guess until now, I didn’t realize that the guy who speaks four languages, went to Yale for undergrad and Wharton for graduate school thought much of me.
I have never pursued a guy before. I am meeting people constantly, and I have a date more often than not, why would I be the pursuer? Honestly, I am having fun; it is a nice change of pace, and it is a good lesson in humility. I don’t know what I want from the situation in the long run. What I do know is that he is attractive, and I like talking to him. I don’t see a reason to have it all figured out in the beginning.
Later in the evening, I told Yale Guy that he always seems negative, and he readily admits it, though not without regret. He says he wishes it weren’t so, but explained a lot of it has to do with geography: not just physical geography, but life geography. He’s not happy with where he is in his life stage – he thought he’d be further along than he is by now. But then he also brought up living in Texas, and he explained that he has never been all that happy in Texas. That is a hard concept for me to grasp. I love where I live.
Then he told me something that really hit home with me. He said that he feels as if dating and getting to know people in other places is much easier. He feels like in other places people are more willing to take their time in figuring things out, and that dating is more about finding the right someone than the right something. In contrast, he feels people here are so quick to want to define what the future holds – houses…marriage…kids…that they don’t pay much attention to the person that they are with, and they do not bother to get to know the person.
He used this analogy to express his philosophy, and why he thinks it’s hard to find a match here: He said he thinks dating should be like driving on a freeway. Imagine you are in the fast line of a four lane high way. You are going 70 miles down the freeway. You know that your exit is some miles ahead. It’s dangerous to cross all lanes in a single move, and no reason to worry about how you’re going to exit from the slow lane to the exit ramp while you’re still 4 lanes over.
You have time, and you can make one lane change at a time, evaluating each one as you go. Your final decision on whether or not to take the exit doesn’t need to be made from the fast lane where you are now. You only need to make that decision when you are in the slow lane, and the exit is in sight. All the while you are driving; you should be focused on getting to know the person.
He goes on to explain that there is something about an energy that’s emitted when striking up a conversation with a relative stranger, and the frenetic energy he always feels is created because “a conversation is always more than just a conversation” the mindset seems to go differently in places. He gets the sense that his dialogue partner believes his striking up a conversation is always pregnant with something (i.e. if the conversation goes well, there’s an expectation to be asked out). If the conversation never gets the chance to go well, it’s because she’s uncomfortable because he’s a stranger who has struck up a familiar tone with her apropos nothing, and that’s just too weird, or she’s uncomfortable because she automatically assumes he’s hitting on her. Whatever it is, there is always SOMETHING more than just a conversation going on, and so it’s hard for her to be relaxed.
He went on to say – And maybe there is something going on, but regardless, it’s hard for her to relax enough just to have the conversation. So it’s more about the energy that exists when you speak to someone for the first time –it’s not surprising that in a city like Houston where everyone drives (from home, to work, to school, to everywhere), people are going to respond to a stranger conversing with them differently than a city where everyone walks –and constantly interacts with strangers in the streets, in the public squares, the plazas, etc.
On the conversation with a stranger front, my experience varies from Yale Guy’s experience. I am always striking up a conversation with someone, often strangers, and I do not get any negative vibe or discomfort from the stranger that I am conversing with. That is obviously the difference in a man striking up a conversation verses a woman. I do sense that I catch people off guard, which I like, but they then readily engage in the conversation with me.
My conversation experiences start to align with Yale Guy’s from time to time when a single guy thinks that I am flirting with him and then starts acting differently towards me. The analogy of the highway then kicks right in. Guys want to move way too fast. I am at a lost on how to steer guys towards a developing a friendship over a few drinks or dinner rather than the let’s date and plan the future scenario. I am from a small town; it takes me awhile to move beyond just being attracted to someone.
I think about my last relationship, instead of being in the driver’s seat, I was a passenger in the very back of the vehicle. I have this picture of us flying across four lanes of traffic losing control of the vehicle. In contrast, I think about the best relationship that I have ever been in. It was with someone that I was friends with for a long time before we dated.
A second point that I disagree with Yale Guy on is that I do not think that this situation is geographic. I think that it is a product of people getting older. I tend to date guys that weren’t born in Texas, and they too are quick to want to pin me down. I think back to the guy in New York that wanted to talk about marriage on date three…it doesn’t seem like a Texas thing to me. Side note, if you think you want to marry me and have a child together, don’t frame it as you want to have kids with me so your kids will be tall. Surely, there is something more that I bring to the table.
Don’t get me wrong, I am not afraid of commitment, and I would love to find the right someone, but what the future holds – marriage vs a committed relationship, more kids vs no more kids, country vs city life doesn’t concern me. Finding the right person and really taking the time to get to know them is what is important to me, and in the meantime I am quite happy with where I am in. It starts with friendship, and from there – one lane change at a time please.