I have lost track of the number of times that I have had a discussion with someone on what I am looking. This discussion has come up on several recent dates, in countless discussions with my friends and at parties with neighbors. Observing my own behavior, I am really good at not answering the question. Instead, I talk about what I am not looking for, namely I am not looking to get married.
Am I jaded? Have I stopped believing in marriage? No.
Am I some sort of liberal minded girl that doesn’t want to surrender to a man? No.
Am I afraid of commitment? No.
Do I have issues with monogamy? No.
Why am I so against getting married? The shortest answer is “B26”. This letter-number combination represents a cell on an Excel spreadsheet entitled “My Future Plans.xls”. The number in cell B26 is less than ten thousand dollars, and represents my net worth at the end of 2010. The end of the year when my marriage ended. I had entrusted a man with my heart, my safety and my financial well-being. And at the end of 2010, all that I had to show for this trust was a broken heart, a great deal of fear, and almost nothing to show for a decade of working countless hours. There isn’t an Excel spreadsheet that records the state of my heart or fear at the end of each year, so cell B26 is the one reminder of an incredibly difficult chapter of my life.
Fast forward nearly six years, and I have more than re-built my life. My broken heart is healed, and I am no longer afraid. I have saved more than half my gross income every year that I have been on my own in order to rebuild my financial future. I am set to retire well before 60, and my kids’ college will be paid for. Honestly, I try not to think too much about retirement or my kids going away to school because it makes me want something that I do not have, and that is someone to grow old with.
What am I looking for? I am looking for someone that I love and trust so deeply that they change my outlook on marriage. Someone that I trust with my heart, my safety, my children’s future and my financial wellbeing. I am looking to have the amount of confidence that I need in myself to trust my judgment and ability to choose the right man. All of this is a big ask that requires more trust than I may be capable of. It is easier to just say that I am not wanting to be married. It is a hard thing for me to admit that I really do want to find someone, perhaps my soul mate. God created woman, so that man would not be alone. I believe that God means for us to be in pairs for life’s trials and joys. I just have no idea how to figure out which man God made me for.