We all have our sort of dating filters. These are our own personal preferences that we look for in a potential significant other. My own filters include – liking football, being a happy person, open-mindedness and dark hair. Most online dating apps actually provide filters, which let you narrow down your search based on your filters.
I have said before in this blog that I hate online dating filters as they enable a search for something rather than someone, yet here I am admitting to having mental filters when it comes to men. The laws of attraction are largely undefined by science and there is a reason for that. I justify my own filters against online dating filters on two fronts. 1) My filters are for the most part not superficial as a filter on income, height or occupation would be. 2) Unlike an online search filter, I do not rule people completely out based on my filters. It is more of a guideline sort of approach.
The next dating concept that you will often find on online dating sites is deal breakers. I often hear my friends say, “That’s a deal breaker.” I have heard everything from smoking, to messed up teeth, to being too short, to not having a high paying profession labeled as deal breakers.
I hesitate to ever use the term deal breaker. Is there a trait from the get go makes a man updatable to me? I certainly prefer to date someone that doesn’t smoke, but I had strong feelings once upon a time for a guy that smoked. I prefer to not date someone that is atheist, but I married one. It disappoints me when my friends have superficial “deal breakers” such as the ones that I mentioned above.
That said, I think there is a distinction to be made between deal breakers and red flags. Deal breakers are a trait of a person, which results in the label of “undatable”. It goes against my theory that anyone could love anyone if they truly got to know each other. I am against putting weight in deal breakers when dating. I think single people with a laundry list of deal breakers are superficial and deserving of being alone.
A particular friend comes to mind that won’t date anyone shorter than her or that makes less money than her. In her head she makes a lot of money, so that makes it difficult. That and the fact that she is exceptionally tall and wears the tallest heels you can imagine outside of a strip club. She is a tall, beautiful girl, but when she puts a man down because of his height and his income, it makes me wonder what is inside of her. She calls these things deal breakers. And like I said, I do not think that people should have deal breakers.
In contract, I do think that people should pay attention to red flags. These are not so much traits, as things that happen along the way. Some examples that I have experienced:
– Men that are not gentlemen and shun the idea.
– Men who rant about their ex.
– Men online that you haven’t met that send you pictures of their kids
– Men who drink too much
– Men that live miles and miles away from their children
– The new catfish – men that have great pictures in their online profiles, which are old or doctored, and then once you connect and start chatting with them, they send you some more recent photos. Of course, you haven’t met yet, so it is not the traditional catfish, but they have undoubtedly roped you in under false pretenses.
– Men that jump to conclusions about me, and seem to think they have me all figured out as a strong, independent self-reliant individual that wants to take charge (see bullet 1)
– Men who seem to have an extremely difficult time scheduling a date
– Men that seem to be overly attached that you haven’t met yet as well as men that seem aloof.
The list goes on.
I think that when I ignore my filters and do not have deal breakers that it results in giving a good guy a chance. I think that when I ignore red flags, the results ALWAYS turn out badly, and I only have myself to blame. This blog segment is called, “Learn with Me” for a reason, and we learn as we go in love and relationships.