For decades, including my childhood and beyond my childhood, I lived in isolation. I was unable to talk about my feelings, my fears, my ideas….I was self conscious and lost in a world of appearances. I tried to appear to be perfect, and never has a more imperfect human than myself walked upon planet Earth. I worried everyday, and I suffered alone.
One of the first open and honest conversations that I ever had was with the girl that perhaps got the man that I wanted in life. She was too kind and beautiful to be jealous of. I loved her the day that he introduced me to her, and I was happy for both of them. Years passed by, and they were married. I then found myself married, and just a short time passed before I was pregnant.
I never thought that I wanted to be a Mom, until the day that I found out that I was going to be a Mom. Honestly, put the crazy label on me, but I woke up the day after Brainy Bird was conceived knowing that I was going to be a mom. Everyone in our blood line will tell you that sometimes we just know things. Perhaps, there is something to that, or maybe crazy runs in my blood.
Two months later, a doctor confirmed that I was indeed pregnant. I can remember everything about that day, the conversations at work (not baby related), the cab ride to the doctor (it was odd not to have a car in Houston), the news from the doctor, the excitement of telling Brainy Bird’s dad, and the look of love and fear in his dad’s eye. It was a perfect day.
I spent most of my pregnancy dreaming and eating. I could not stop thinking of all of the beautiful things in life that I would introduce my child to. I thought everyday about what his name would be, and all of the stories that I would tell him about our family. I could not wait to meet him. I knew that he would be amazing, and I was right.
I remember the first time that I held him, and I will never forget what I told him. I said, “I am your Mommy. I hope that you have a child of your own some day because only then when you know just how much I love you.”
I think of those words often. It was on that day that I felt love beyond my imagination, and realized that I was loved way beyond what I ever appreciated as a child.
This brings me to the subject of this blog post…being open and honest. We took Brainy Bird home, and we did everything that good new born parents do. Looking back, we did beyond that. Everything was about Brainy Bird. I would sit him up on the kitchen counter and give him cooking lessons. I took him every where that I could possibly take him; I never wanted to leave him at home with his dad. We never turned on the TV, instead we spent countless hours doing puzzles, going on nature walks, reading, counting, singing. I wrote him his own bedtime stories, and I read them to him, and he could read before he was two. I did all of these things, and he was just an infant.
All of this makes it hard to explain how the day that I got home from the hospital, I fell into a deep state of depression. I was out of my mind worried that something bad would happen to Brainy Bird, and I felt trapped. I felt like my life was over. I dreaded each day as I was home alone with him while his dad went off to work. I doubted that I was meant to be a Mom. There is no lower place than being a new Mom and having such fears of regret, doubt…the feeling of hopelessness and inadequacy.
Looking back, the only thing that I really could not do as a mom was breast feed. It was an era when there was irrational pressure to breast feed. Moms using formula were shunned in the mommy circles. This was detrimental to loving moms. I have nothing against breast feeding, I was successful with breast feeding when Little Chirp was born, but with Brainy Bird it was not working out.
Analyzing it now, Brainy Bird likes to roll out of bed and consume a few thousand calories and then pick at his lunch and dinner. In life, this will make him super fit as he has the whole day to burn off his elaborate breakfasts. But as a woman trying to breast feed, which is worse, the morning feast or the afternoon and evening where baby wants nothing to do with you?
I was severely over weight, in extreme pain from c-section complications, exhausted, and I hated my life. I was sure my baby would be stupid because I was a loser, and I could not breast feed.
Then I returned to work, and I dealt with an aweful male co-worker who felt that women with babies should not work. He talked all day of the dangers of daycares and questioned how I was feeding my child if I was at my desk all day.
I slowly began to pull myself together. I healed from my c-section surgery and botched attempt at breast feeding. I began exercising, and I lost a little weight. Brainy Bird began doing fun things, and I began fielding comments that he would never learn to walk if I didn’t quit carrying and cuddling him all the time. He became my whole world, and my world was a very happy world.
As this was happening, the friend that I talked about at the beginning of this post had her first child. She too had difficulty with breast feeding. For just a moment, I dropped appearances, and shared the story of my depression and failure in breast feeding. This helped her through her new mom era, and it brought us closer together.
In the years that followed, as I grew as a person, and became open and honest, I think of this often. Now, I live with little worry, I am confident with who I am, and I am surrounded by an incredible support network. I have surrounded myself with people that are there for me when I need help and make mistakes. I am honest with them, and they are honest with me. There is a high price to pay for trying to appear to be a perfect person that you are not. I paid this price for way too long. I will never be anything other than open and honest again.
Thank you God for blessing me with friends and family that I can be open and honest with.