I am grieving for one of the truest friends that I ever known and will ever know in life. I spent the week that he died in my own world, killing each evening with a bottle of wine and foods that I have not eaten in nearly a decade. Then I spent the next weeks working 15 hours a day to distract myself from it all. Then at 3 PM this past Friday, I shutdown my laptop, and I began to reflect on life. No wine, no work, just me and my thoughts…
People say so much stupid shit when you lose someone you deeply care about. The worst being Rob. New blog approach, no more nicknames. Rob explained to me that we are all going to die and either we know Christ or we don’t when we die. I know without question that Christopher Michael Gonzales, my dear friend is with our Lord. His faith was unwavering as he battled a painful, terminal illness for years. I am not in need of a lesson on faith, I am in need of time to grieve.
At Chris’ service, the reverend knew Chris well. He said, “Today we grieve. We do not grieve for Chris, as we know he is in a beautiful place, rather we grieve for ourselves because we deeply miss our friend.”
Yes!!!! That is exactly right. I simply cannot stop wishing that I had just one more day to hang out with Chris. My biggest mistake was always thinking that there would be one more day. There were times when I could have cleared my calendar to go home to hang out with Chris, and I could have found the time to plan one more “all classes reunion”, but instead time marched on, and I was caught up with everything else that was happening in life. I thought that we would have more time. I was was wrong, and I deeply regret it.
My friend Page told me that Chris understands, and that he is in a place that frees us of our worldly concerns. He said Chris is in a place of forgiveness and understanding.
This comforts me. Still it does not free me of my regret. I cannot change the past, but I can change me going forward. I want to be the friend that is there whenever possible. Birthday parties, retirement parties, graduation parties, wedddings, book signings, baby showers, send me an invitation, and I am there for now on.
I can’t stop wishing that Chris could have been there with us at the Biergarten after the service to remember his life. He would have loved to catch up with everyone. We all deeply mattered to Chris. There have been times in my life when I was completely down on myself, and Chris was there to pick me up. Chris was the first person to ever tell me that I was beautiful. That seems simplistic. It is not, it is something that I desperately needed to hear. It was when the first guy that I was ever interested in started dating my sister. A lifetime of the narcissistic sister that had to have the attention of every man, yet there was a man who saw past tall and awkward me. Chris built me up in every way; he believed in me.
Now, I think to myself, what did I ever do for Chris? Chris picked me up and put me back together again more than once in life. Did I thank him? Did I ever repay him? I don’t think so. Page says that Chris knows how much I valued his friendship. I deeply hope that Page is right.
Chris – I owe one more poem. I need just a little more time to clear my head, and I promise it will be the best thing that we have ever written together. I wish that I could freeze time. I wish I had one more day with you. I am beyond grateful for your friendship.